"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
And what can be more obscene than our own imaginations?
Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity- these are strictly confined to
man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace
of them.
- The Lowest Animal essay
The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty persons where
reasoning convinces but one.
- "Is Shakespeare Dead?" essay
That is the way we are made: we don't reason, where we feel; we
just feel.
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
It is better to give than receive- especially advice.
- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
It's noble to be good. It's nobler to teach others to be good,
and less trouble.
- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First,
don't smoke to access. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't
marry to excess.
- last public address, St. Timothy's School for Girls, Catonsville,
MY 6/9/1909
Mark Twain's answer to a would-be writer: "Young Author"- Yes,
Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus
in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you
to a decision about the amount you need to eat- at least not with
certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair
usual averge, I suggest that perhaps a couple of whales would be
all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply
good middling-sized whales.
- "Answers to Correspondents", Sketches New and Old
You ought never to "sass" old people- unless they "sass" you first.
- Advice for Good Little Girls
It is wrong to put a sheepskin under your shirt when you know
that you are going to get a licking. It is better to retire swiftly
to a secret place and weep over your bad conduct until the storm
blows over.
- Advice for Good Little Boys
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother,
when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.
- Advice for Good Little Boys
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
- Advice to Young People speech, 4/15/1882
It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.
- Notebook; More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He
is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts
his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard
of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path
to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion.
And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter.
I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
- The Lowest Animal essay, 1897
We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which
are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet,
with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise
and defile the things which are holy to us.
- Following the Equator
Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain